Goodbye...?

I think I'm going to- ...No I most likely will end up dragging this out a lot, so for those who don't want to read, can turn away and forget the whole mess right now, because it's a lot of negativity.

I think it's best if I left the forums, as well as that, I'm just trying to remove every bit of other trace I can of myself. No ones done anything wrong, you're all amazing people, people that I can definitely call friends, without a doubt. And I appreciate that I met such amazing people in this day and age, for me, that's pure gold.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I've been suffering from on and off depression for the past 3 years of my life, and I hate it, I can't do anything about it.

Guess I'm going to be forever alone, which just hurts me, just thinking about it.

I always wonder to myself, when I lock myself away in the house, how the next couple of years will pass, will I move forward and ever get out of here, or just die of loneliness one day? If that's the case, I'd be happy to die, I genuinely would, I don't want to keep suffering like this, I just don't want to try, because I've nearly given up hope altogether.

I'm a social recluse, a NEET (Not in Employment, Education or Training), and I have been for the past 2-3 years now. I hate it. I just don't know where to begin with the problems. In 2010, it went pretty downhill from August, and I just haven't tried to get into anything, and because of that, I've missed oppertunity's for college (didn't go in 2009, because I failed all of the exams, I guess that much can be explained for itself), instead, I went to a training center, which helped me get my equivilant for English and Maths, I think they were NVQ level 1's, and with that, I left in 2010 (spent nearly a year there, and met amazing people too, and back then, I had plenty of confidence in myself and was happy talking with anyone and everyone), and started this warehousing apprenticeship, and from there, I just fell apart, I didn't enjoy it, didn't feel all that focused or determined with it and ended up leaving within a month. After that, I haven't bothered all that much with anything, just ended up drowning myself in gaming or either watching Anime's (which I Do enjoy, it's just...so hard to get my point across), I don't want to be like this next year, this is why I've turned here, probably my only chance to make some sense out of all of this. Through those years, without realizing it until last year, I turned into such a social recluse that I avoided eye contact with a lot of people and right now, it's gotten to the point that I don't even step outside and if I do, I end up sweating and heating up. I'm not the type of person that feels confident in talking anymore, and I just don't want to, I can spend days without opening my mouth. But what scares me is when I'm alone in my room (which is for most of the days), I sometimes laugh at myself, for the sake of it I guess, just letting out a little laugh. I don't get all that much support from parents, and what dreams I did have (I wanted to get into Game QA testing) was shot down. I can't afford college, parents won't offer to pay for it at this point in time, and I'm stuck in between days trying to muster up the strength to even look for a job, let alone apply for one online. I've lost a lot of forms of entertainment to keep me going too, I only stick with the PS2...which I really don't want to end up doing to myself, just imagining myself in that same position for another year, it hurts and makes me cry just to think about such a thing. What I want, right now, is to have someone I can relate to, preferably a female who's into all sorts of things I am, I'd appreciate that, I truly would. I wouldn't want it out of pity, just for company, someone who needs the same support as me I guess. I do have random outbursts of rage, when I try and think back on the good things of school, they end up turning into something bad, one way or another. I was heavily bullied for 5 years of Secondary school and the remaining 2 years of Primary, but the primary one doesn't affect me all that much, it's more Secondary since that was a lot more physical. I hate the people who did that to me, I'd genuinely be happy with murdering them after 5 years of torture...I'm an unstable and reclusive wreck, so someone, please help me T_T? I only have 3 or so friends that I can genuinely trust, I've been used and tossed aside by a lot of other people whom I considered friends back in Secondary school, and I hate them too, I hold such a grudge against them that even if I try to forget about that grudge, it's always there no matter what I try to do to get it to move away. I love my music too, I enjoy listening to Japanese music, J-Pop and J-Rock and Anime and video game soundtracks too, they cheer me up some what. I'm sorry this is so randomly placed, I just find it hard to organize these thoughts, so please try to understand.

That's my life in a disorganized nutshell. I guess what I'm trying to say is (as I type this, with tears trickling down my cheeks), I want to be forgotten, I don't want to exist,if I could, I'd like to just get far away from the hell I'm in right now, hopefully that's sooner than later, because 3 years is just taking it's toll on me right now T_T.

For those of you who have me on Xbox live, I haven't got a clue what I'll be doing with it, I might end up closing it, I just want to seclude myself right now.

If I could, I'd like to start my life anew, if that's even possible, my heart just hurts with grief and I can't take this anymore, I want to forget all that pain I've been put through, but it's just not possible for me unless I go into a coma of some sort.

Anyway, I guess I'm wasting a lot of your time with this, so I'll finish up.

Thank you, thank you from the bottom of your heart, to all of you, especially Azure, Yuki, Heaven, Wave and Iyoten, you're amazing people, and I can't express how much it means to me to have befriended such kind and generous people, this will be my last post, and I'd like to leave my remnants here, so farewell, and I hope each and everyone of you have a beautiful future ahead of you.

WARNING! LOTS OF READING. FEEL FREE TO SKIP MINE IF YOU'RE NOT N.



So you are AgitoXth. Anyway i do hope to see you around here again. And I have to say I believe I have the same troubles as you do. I don't have very many friends. Just my generic few I hang around and others that live far away from me. As far as love goes, (I never really tell anyone this) But I don't mind if others read this, I had a love interest and i still do over her. And I'm still madly in love with her. But the thing is, there's nothing to grieve over since it was my very mistake from the beginning. wanna know what i did? I did nothing. I was nervous to talk to her ever since I fell for her. She and I were good friends before all that, but after... You know. I sometimes cry over her but she's a married woman and has two kids. So like I said there's nothing to grieve over. Just myself.

Anyway, I'm just saying you don't have it that bad. I'm 27 next month and I still don't really have much of a life do to my obsession with gaming. And I to have bits of rage when I try to hard and things don't go my way. last year my brother was hit and killed by a oncoming car and I think my rage comes from some of that. Not to mention my sister who was involved in the accident is deeply depressed and shoots herself down a lot cause of it.

But things get better though. You just have to keep whats important to you and never give up. Not sure what else to say. But I do hope we can talk more. And no, it's not a waist of my time reading what you have to say. That's why this place is here so you can talk and express yourself weather it's anime, gaming, life or hell wright a journal or a fanfiction on here. Anyway I hope to get a response from you too.

I'm sorry to see you, Agito.

Just know that we will always welcome you here. Feel free to come back when you're feeling down and we'll do what we can to cheer you up.

I...im genuinely heart broken to have read all this my friend. I know you may not come back her. You may never see this message but its here and its directed at you. I hope wherever you are at least these feeling reach you.

It was sparatic,and it was brief. But i honestly can say your someone whom i believe is an honest, caring and gentle soul. Another burning candle stuck in rough winds. I pray not to any god or force...but simple words of a simple man. That you find a new way to look at your life and smile. Find a peace in yourself to give you a sense of your own reality and life. Cherish it please. This life is hard, its cruel, its unfair and its unrelenting in its efforts to destroy you heart in soul. But what makes this life worth living is this struggle we go through. this never ending fight is proof we were here. Even if no one ever remembers our name. Its etched into the world in small funny ways. And that's what lets our tiny lives mean something. If this tiny bit of meaning has any weight for you then im glad. I speak as someone whos never been shown mercy, never been handed anything, whos fought day in and day out for every moment. I know what its like to fight to care to get up and even look at another person let alone talk. That kind of pain never goes away. But please...use this pain to grow. I pray for your good fortune. For your peace of mind. and for your safety. Good luck my friend.

I don't think I could have said that better myself. Hope to see you around my friend.