What Are You Doing?

I'll get a jump on it.

dling now

First paragraph

"In 1947 a division of Pakistan’s country caused uproar between Hindus, Muslims, and Sikhs broke out and they fled to the eastern side of Pakistan, seeking shelter..."

The bold text is awkwardly worded and it's making me not really understand the main idea behind the sentence.

"Also, since the 1980s the province of Punjab on eastern Pakistan has been a hub of terrorist groups..."

Little diction error; the word "for" would make more sense in place of "of."

"...and the government disposes a number..."

I notice the beginning of tense-change in the first paragraph already. The whole paper should be in the same tense (which is past tense since most of it is in past tense from what I have observed thus far). This is the only tense issue I'll address since I'm seeing a little more later on...

The intro paragraph is nice and it ends on a powerful thesis wherein the real essay begins.

Second paragraph

"..., and the ability to know and do what is morally right..."

Meaning in that sentence kind of shifts if you leave that comma in there.

"...ceremony, which killed forty-two people..."

I'd change that to ", killing..." in order to make a bit more sense.

..."New York Times writer Salman Masood, during this attack 100 Taliban militants attacked a checkpoint in Orakzai..."

That's just.. sounding really awkward. Confuses me from what the sentence is trying to say.

I noticed a lot of tense-changing in this paragraph, remember, papers and essays stay in the same tense throughout the whole thing, even if it may sound weird.

Third paragraph

"A security analyst based in Pakistan, Ayesha Siddiqa states that Terrorists are not part of an organization..."

I'd maybe want to change that to something like, "Ayesha Siddiga, a security analyst based in Pakistan, states that..."

Good third paragraph.

Fourth paragraph

"Through those past years the terrorist attacks have increased, and are now active almost every day in Pakistan..."

Is it assumed I know what "those years" really refers to?

I'd tweak the first sentence of this paragraph just a tad to tie in with the last sentence a little more.

Fifth paragraph

Once again tense-change is getting to be a big issue in this paper.

Sixth paragraph

"Twenty-five percent of all Pakistanis..."

Although writing out numbers is usually the better way to go, I'd turn that text back into 25% because it's more visual to the reader and you've already used numbers in the beginning of the paper, so you might as well.

Nice paragraph.

Seventh paragraph

"Losing control of just one of these weapons the entirety of the world order would drastically transform..."

Not exactly sure what you're saying here; it's awkwardly worded.

Alright, it seems at this point you're really into present-tense. And for what it's worth, what with the topic and all, I think you want to change everything back to present-tense. In any event, pick a tense (past or present, well.. future if you're an idiot XD) and just stick with it.

Eighth paragraph

I think you should be a teeny bit more specific when you say that they can improve integrity "over the years." We talkin' like a few? Or like 20?

Ninth paragraph

"...instability in which has become a way of life for Pakistan citizens..."

I'd think about changing that to "of which" or just "which."

"The Pakistani government must learn to respect the way of life of the tribes in their country, and coming together to form a more unified establishment."

Faulty parallelism here, so replace "coming" with "come."

Good paragraph.

Tenth paragraph

"...performing in extremist acts..."

I'd either change that to "participating in extremist acts..." or "performing extremist acts..." (I noticed this happens again.. same correction advice)

"If Pakistan can respect America, and America can respect Pakistan’s wishes..."

I'd throw in a second "if" right before "America" to clarify.

"Understanding terrorism roots will help Americans understand what the motives are, but also understand why it is important to..."

Awkwardly worded.

Good paragraph. Gives more evidence that present-tense is what you're after.

Eleventh paragraph

"America has attempted to help Pakistan by offering monetary aid and convince the country to convert to a Democratic state..."

I'd change that to "convincing" for the sake of parallelism.

"...but has failed many times at accomplishing these..."

I'd word that differently, so that I'll know what exactly you're talking about, and so it won't sound so awkward.

"...one can see different alternatives to solving Pakistan’s terrorism problem."

A little redundancy. Alternatives are different, of course.

"America, and other governments fighting against terrorism, should learn..."

The comma is completely unnecessary.

"America must play the part of peacekeepers, to keep their actions closely observed, and closely watch Pakistan create its own path of resolving the issue of terrorism."

Both of those commas are unnecessary.

Well, all in all it was a very informative and persuasive paper. I'd maybe want to change the last sentence or add a completely new sentence to the very end to impact your stance and opinion much harder than it is attempted here. I'd also want to invest in using a more clever title.

Well, that's all from me. I hope I didn't sound too harsh or anything, but those are all the fallacies I've seen. Hope this was helpful, Yuki.

I don't screw around when people want me to proofread their essays and papers and junk.

I'm glad I could be of so much help. Haha, that's funny that I went more in-depth than the instructor. XD

Yeah, I hate those lazy, generalizing comments like good or great, nothing wrong. There's always room for improvement.

Anyway, you're welcome again.

Hm, alright. I was just saying 'cause 25% is a little more visual so that readers can fully understand that percentage. But, eh, rules are rules and formats are formats. Practicality comes second, I suppose.

sorry yuki T____T my comp had a bad virus...

Aw, thanks, you flatter me.

Hahahaha.. indeed. Wherein, my job to flatter you as well lies.

Ba-zing. That's right.

lol wow XD

im actualy neck deep in work now myself XDD sorry XD

k ^^

Let this be know..I hate small children who complain about Super Street Fighter not being cheaper...I hate them with a passion...

ahhh little kids..the bane of all online video games...we need better sonic games and new and better mario to get them the hell out of our face.

and I swear to god if one more kid asks me, "When does ultimate ninja storm 2 come out" I'm gonna flip XD

o-----o